So I thought to myself during Thanksgiving vacation, "What do I want?"

I realized I never really did want anything. I never wanted friends, I never wanted someone to accept me, I simply wanted nothing.

I guess, all I ever wanted was to see her smile.

All of a sudden, I feel like a fool, drowning in his own ignorance, falling down a path of despair and loneliness.

Maybe I'm just being desperate, you know how it feels to be desperate, right?

There's a feeling of hopelessness just clogged in your chest and everything you do and say just goes horribly wrong. You become afraid of what might happen if you do this or do that, and then...by becoming desperate, you become unattractive.

I'm disgusted with myself for ever acting in that manner.

I...was never really myself when she was near me, I couldn't talk, I felt desperate 24/7, and anything I wanted to talk to her about just flew out my head the moment I saw her. I literally just blanked when I saw her.

I never wanted to act in that way in front of her. I felt so pathetic every time I did. I really am an idiot.

It really feels like we're just strangers now.

She probably hates me now.

I don't know anymore, but all I'm left with is just this sickening gut feeling and the urge to repeatedly hit my head against the wall thinking, "Why am I so stupid?" "Why am I such an idiot?" "I'm such an idiot."

Why am I writing this here anyways? Maybe it's because I want some closure?

My head hurts after writing this much, so I think I'll just go to sleep.